Chaos v. Control


Clearing my head of rushing thoughts 

as the panic halts my movement

The current pushes 

and I try to stand still 

Yet when the waters are calm 

I splash 

and droplets part from sea 

just to find each other again 

I am guilty of making things more difficult upon myself. When things are going my way some small part of me wishes to sabotage. Any sense of complacency good, scares me. Sometimes it pushes me through a negative state of mind and other times it pushes me away from where I should be. I love a good crescendo, and more times than not it leads to pain.

I am guilty of creating my own crescendo, creating chaos to generate excitement. Using a controlled chaos to keep all facets of my mind busy or to ward off uncontrollable circumstance. Rising my own troubles to serve as a sort of lamb’s blood on my door frame.

This crescendo is never worth any of my efforts yet I fall into this pattern always. Burning my self in hope to rise from my own ashes. I am not saying it makes sense, or that I’m proud of this or this is even true, but at this moment these thoughts course through my brain and distract me from my present. Waiting for the crescendo is no way to enjoy a symphony. Focusing on the loudest part is often not what brings you happiness


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