I didn’t wait for her to say anything, “How are you doing.”
“I’m ok… better anyway”
“What are you doing today, taking it easy I hope. Fridays still your day off?”
“They are but I have appointments to go to.”
“You should cancel.”
“I think I might, can I come to the cabin?”
I hesitated. I remember now that I was still angry. I was angry that she had ignored me, angry that this happened to her, and I felt sorry for her. She interrupted my thoughts.
“…It’s ok, I know you have things to do. I heard you were with someone now.”
I was thankful this was over the phone and she couldn’t see my face flush. I wasn’t embarrassed of this, I just didn’t want her to doubt my availabilty to her.
“I can be at the cabin in twenty minutes.”
I knew my desperation sounded stupid and waited for her to bite at me but she didn’t.
“Pick me up one of those shitty gas stations sandwiches, will you?” I heard her try to smile.
Normally when I got the call that she was headed to the cabin I immediately started fantasizing. Thinking of her soft skin, full lips and perfect breasts but today was different. She wasn’t coming to me for pleasure she was coming to me for support.
The morning mist still hung over the cabin. I saw her car nestled between a fog cloud and a shrub I had let get out of control. I parked behind her. I found her sitting on the porch with her eyes closed and a cigarette between her fingers, the embers burning without her noticing. I cleared my throat. She opened her eyes, they were still the same green that matched the hillside, but greener today due to the heavy cloud coverage and the redness that came with crying. Not sobbing heavy crying but like a quick snow flurry that doesn’t stick to the ground. Her lips tightened into a straight line and she did a slight nod.
“Where’s my sandwich?”
I handed her the bag and sat in the chair beside her. I watched her hands unwrap the tinfoil. Each move she made was hesitant, like a deer listening for human footsteps. I met her gaze and hoped for something to pop into my head that wasn’t stupid. I know she didn’t want me to tell her it would all be ok, I wasn’t convincing. I had tried in the past and she would just lift her eyebrows and smirk and that was enough to shatter my confidence. I did reach for her hand she stopped what she was doing before I touched her. Her skin was warm and soft despite her rigid composure.
“I don’t know why I’m here,” she said.
Her eyes open wide staring at me as if I had her answer. I guess I did. “Because I won’t let you mope around feeling sorry for yourself.” She almost smiled but then I saw a tear creeping into the corner of her eye. “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be. That is exactly why I came up here.”
“It’s been awhile, should we go to the spring?”
“it has been awhile.” she said with mock agreeance, taking off her sweater. I should be excited but I was still. I knew she was coming on to me and I wanted to but I knew she wasn’t herself. her voice peirced my thoughts, “What you don’t want to now?”. She was angry.
“Well.. I guess
“You guess? You guess it is? I thought you would be different. I thought you of all people wouldn’t think I was dirty.”
“I don’t think you’re dirty or broken or any of that shit. I love literally every part of you just the way it is. I want to have sex with you literally everyday. Literally. I was just trying to be considerate of you and your feelings and all that shit because frankly I don’t know what’s happening. I never do. One day you are here the next day you don’t want to speak to me or even live in the same state. What do you want from me?”
I was yelling now. Normally when I yelled she would leave or hang up on me. My posture stood steady but eyes and my face were wavering. She watched me and uncrossed her arms. She approached me, with tears in her eyes and said, “I want you to have sex with me.” I opened my mouth to ask her if she was sure but she interrupted me with her finger across my lips. “ No questions. I’m sure. Please.” I nodded trying to hold a steady composure. I’ve been waiting months to have one of weekends, months to feel her, look at her but things were different now. She pressed her lips against mine and rule number one was broken.