thoughts

I can hate what I want.

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These are just thoughts that I have on being “body positive” that have sprung up due to the beginning of bikini season. It is important to note that I hold these thoughts only in accordance to me and am by no means saying my way is the right way. These thoughts are true and they go through my head somewhat regularly. I don’t know if I am going to move to correct them or not but it is always interesting to see if I am not alone in these thoughts.

Body Positive (according to bodypositive.com) explores taking up occupancy inside your own skin, rather than living above the chin until you’re thin.  It is a set of ideas that may help you find greater well-being in the body you have. I understand the idea of living in the now, I think that is great advice and something we should all stand for however it is a policy that I personally have not applied when it comes to my body.

My weight is something I have always struggled with. I have never been particularly heavy but I have gone up and down my entire life. My closet has a size 4 all the way up to a size 14.  I am person that gets lost in focus meaning when I have important things going on I often loose sight of other things. My teen and adult years have been focused on school and career and I have not treated my body as kindly as I should of. I put it on the back burner and it has caused my weight to fluctuate of the past 8 years. Some people have the luxury of not having to be a certain weight but I am not one of those people. Aside from my body being more aesthetically pleasing it is important that I am in shape and eating healthy and making my body a machine. Food is not something that is supposed to be enjoyable for me, I lost that privilege when I had my gall bladder removed 6 years ago. Food has not supposed to be a prize since I was diagnosed with migraines 12 years ago. I am supposed to treat my body if I want a higher quality of life and do not want to go broke from medical bills. There are all these reasons I should be healthy and I have no real excuse as to why I am not. I am in aggreance with a lot of these movements that focus on health rather than image. My healthy weight is not the same as the bmi and I don’t strive to be an unreasonable weight. However I do care how I look, like a lot. And in order to achieve it I don’t exactly stay with this whole body positive idea.

For me being ok with something leads to complacency. For me change is something that only takes form in a transition from bad to good. I never change because I’m ok with something, I change out of necessity or in look of happiness. This maybe something that is broken inside me but it is how i see things. Change is a necessary evil in my mind. I am good adapting but it doesn’t mean I want too. Being in shape and looking the way I want to look requires change. I have to move myself from one state to another state. I will not change if I happy. When I am not the way I want and need to be I am hard on myself. I remind myself that I am not happy where I am and I need to move forward. This is a delicate balance for me. I often am way too hard on myself and it makes me less vibrant. But I am not happy with my body right now. I am not happy with what I did to it when I wasn’t taking care of it. I am not, I don’t think it is anything to be positive about. I need to move forward. This is the journey for me, this is the journey of being in the best shape of my life and I am not going to kid myself and say that I am happy where I am.

I understand that sometimes this misery can trickle into other areas in my life and perhaps that is where it becomes mentally and emotionally unhealthy. But in my mind my health is directly tide to those things so it doesn’t bother me. I want to be proud of myself and be happy with my body. But before I will let myself be happy I need to put forth the effort to be who I want to be. Nothing is free. I am not going to lie to myself.

These are my thoughts on the issue, I am not saying that these are how it should be and I am not saying this is how it should be for other people. I am saying that this is my thought process. Judge if you must, comment if you want.

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