What is that burning desire to do something that you shouldn’t. I refuse to believe that it is this innate sin that supposedly lurks somewhere between our heart,brain, soul and vital organs. It isn’t a want as much as it is a need, a need to move from the complacent and live, have something that makes me special or different. I want the dramatics, I cant help but feel that the best part of my life is already ending and I have not yet lived the crazy life I was meant to lead. I guess that is why I have stories, so i can explore what was meant to be explored.
Occasionally when reading or watching a movie I wonder, am I wasting my time? Am I living vicariously through these characters with interesting lives as I move day to day as a painfully average person? I have come up with an answer although it is very much not truth and more or less something I tell myself to believe and that is simply, my adventure has not begun. I read a lot and write even more and I have found that more often than not these characters exist in very much one adventure, so to expect a multitude of adventures is simply unrealistic amongst this state of delusion. When I read or watch film I am not wasting my time but narrowing down the kind of adventure I want for myself. I am not what one would call a thrill seeker. I like the ordinary and the boring but I am envious of those not encumbered by the need for security. The people who blissfully make ignorant mistakes and don’t realize how simple their mind is in comparison to more troubled souls. But like a jaded adult looking upon a child, I simply think I have just figured out something they haven’t yet. At the age of 45 they will feel the way I do now, the moment they realize that societal pressures aren’t going anywhere and unless you are a revolutionary with deep pockets you will be forced to conform. It is a simple truth and if you spend your life fighting it you will simply exhaust yourself to death. I have found a sort of peace within it all. I am lucky and have found worth within the system. Since I can not be a sword wielding mercenary princess I will be a simple writer in the quiet of my home and an overworked government pension holder to the world.